My Boyfriend’s Relationship with MS

When I found out that my weird eye pain/bluriness was probably MS, one of my first thoughts was my boyfriend. We had been dating for about four years at that point. One of those years was extremely casual, we went to college 8 hours apart and we wanted to do our own things, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. We spent all four years of college visiting each other when we could, and we were pretty serious at this point. I had recently moved to Boston and he was at school for one more semester, so we were now about 16 hours apart from one another. We were so serious that he had plans to move to Connecticut after graduation, something I never thought he would do. We are both from Connecticut, but he had fallen in love with the South during college. When we went to college, we both went very far away to get away from the small town we grew up in, so this felt like a big deal. I knew he wasn’t moving to Connecticut just for me, but he had told me that it was a part of his decision. Woah. 

So when I was going through the scary “what is wrong with me?” process, my boyfriend was two months away from graduation and very very far away from me. I thought about him almost immediately for a few reasons: 1) I wanted him to be there to comfort me and 2) I was scared that he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. 

You heard that right. After four years and a pretty serious relationship, I was terrified that he was going to leave me. He gets mad at me whenever I bring this up now. A few months in I admitted this fear to him and he was upset, rightly so. He was upset that I had so little faith in us, in him. But anyone who has gone through the rollercoaster of emotions that I have may know that there is no rational thinking when you are first diagnosed. Was it irrational to think that he would just leave me because I was diagnosed with MS? Probably, but can you blame me?

We were both 22 when this crazy journey began. He was still in college. We hadn’t lived near each other in four years. And, frankly, I was wildly insecure about the next phase of our relationship. Add some MS to the mix and I was like “there goes my relationship!”. 

He didn’t leave me. In fact, he was my MS expert in those first few months. Whenever he couldn’t focus on studying, he started Googling. He read all about the process of getting diagnosed, the possible treatment options, and the possible hurtles I might face. Where I was afraid to Google, he sifted through all the scary stuff and gave me the facts. He supported me, and he still does. 

Don’t get me wrong, it is not easy. There are definitely days where he forgets why I don’t always feel great or why I am so tired. There are even times when he forgets that I have a doctor’s appointment. After all, he works about 60 hours a week and is still sorting out this whole “adulting” thing himself. I am now the MS expert and he does a lot less Googling, but he supports me. Even when he doesn’t know how to act or what to say or when I want his help and when I don’t, I know he’s there with me.

Lately, I’ve noticed MS creep into my relationship more and more. I’m more sensitive than I like to admit. My anxiety is worse than ever and gets in the way frequently. He gets frustrated with me. He doesn’t love that I cry at the dinner table because my mom has a virus and that means I may get a virus and that will lead to the inevitable MS spiral. It’s not his favorite thing about me. I don’t expect it to be. There is so much we will have to work through, so many issues that may come up in our relationship that wouldn’t have before.

I am not going to lie, I have definitely pulled the MS card during arguments. Those ones where I am just super insecure about something usually end in me balling asking him why he would want me and not someone normal. It’s sad to reflect on that, but it’s that subconscious feeling that I think many people with a chronic illness feel. Why choose me and all this baggage? 

So, I still get nervous that he doesn’t really know what he’s committing to. I wonder if he reads those articles about incontinence and nonexistent libido, or if he rather not think about that for now. I wonder if he realizes that there may be a time where he has to take care of me and may have a partner in life who can’t do all the things he wishes she could. My mom still accompanies me to all my appointments, but I hope he takes her place in that role someday. I hope it becomes more and more normal for us.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend has a relationship with MS because he has a relationship with me. Though I don’t view MS as my identity, I can’t ignore it. You can’t ignore something that major in a relationship. Relationships are never easy and, as usual, MS makes things harder. I am thankful every day that I have him. He has been such a crucial part of my support system. IT’S HARD THOUGH.

Starting a New Job….with MS…

Starting a new job is never easy. You never know what to expect no matter how thorough the interview was or if you know someone who works there. Maybe you will hate your boss or find out that the only microwave for 500 people barely heats up your lunch. I’m not talking from personal experience or anything… 

Consider all of the normal new job anxieties and then add a big old dose of “I have MS”. Do you tell your boss? Your coworkers? What about the fact that it will be six months until you have ANY time off? What if you have an episode before then? What about the MRI you have scheduled next month and your many doctors appointments? It’s scary and it is not something that many of the people in your life can relate to. They will try to calm you down and talk about their experiences, but it won’t be the same because you have MS. But you already know that. 

I started a new job recently. I was so nervous that I was too nauseous to do anything the Sunday before my first day and ended up throwing up that night. I cried on the bathroom floor convinced that I would be too sick to go to my first day of work, which would really set the wrong tone for this new job. I still felt sick that entire morning, I forced myself to work, told my boss that “I recently had a procedure and the medication was making me feel a bit off” (lie), and I ended up ok. In fact, once I got comfortable, I didn’t feel nauseous at all. Coincidence? Nope. I was so anxious that I made myself sick. 

I was anxious about all of the normal things, but also anxious that I was about 6 months into being diagnosed with MS and starting a new job. At my last job, I had told my boss about my diagnosis so she knew what I was up against. She understood when I had to take days off and go to appointments. My current boss doesn’t know and isn’t really the type of boss I feel open with, so I hope she will never have to know. This adds a whole layer of pressure. At one point, a few weeks in, I told her I had a chronic illness and may have more doctor appointments than the average 23 year old. She was understanding and I decided that was good enough for me. 

I counted down until I passed the 90-day “probationary” period. After that, I could use sick time if I needed it. Those first three months were constant stress. With MS, I’ve found that every weird sensation or pain behind my eye makes me anxious. “Is it happening again? Am I going to miss work this time? Wow, I hate those steroids.” But those first three months were even worse. I really wanted to show how dedicated I was, I didn’t want to be the new girl who kept taking days off before she was even allowed to. I don’t think anybody would want that. 

I got lucky. I made it through those three months. I still don’t feel in the clear though. I probably won’t for a while. My last job I missed so much time in my first six months. I ran out of sick time. Ran out of vacation time. I had to work with my manager constantly to make it all work. I felt like a failure honestly. My coworkers never took a day off and here I was barely ever in the office. 

I think a big struggle of being young and newly diagnosed with MS is comparing yourself to others. When you are just starting a career, relationships, maybe even a family, a life, it is so difficult to add a chronic illness to the mix. It is so hard not to compare yourself to the other people your age. I have friends going out to the bar every night, traveling Europe on their own, working 70 hour weeks, moving half-way across the world from everyone and everything they know. Of course, I could do these things too. I could do them until I felt like I couldn’t anymore. There would probably be a time when I would get too tired or just too anxious. And when you are young, that is hard to think about. It takes away a lot of the impulsiveness that you are supposed to have as a twenty-something.

The conclusion is that starting a new job is always hard. It is even harder when you have MS. With time-off always being an issue and then comparing yourself to colleagues, it can be extremely stressful, and it is easy to feel like a failure. I’ve found that being as honest as you are willing to be with your managers and giving your all when you are able will show your dedication to your job and your career. Remember that you don’t have it as easy as some of the people you know, but that just makes you even stronger and better at what you do. 

Has anyone else had experiences starting a new job with MS? Or are you about to start a new job? Share in the comments!

Am I just a clutz?

I’ve always been clumsy. My family says I’m as graceful as a bull in a china shop. It’s funny because I danced my entire childhood – ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop. Yet I still find a way to trip over the slight bump in the sidewalk and spill water all over myself consistently. I am no ballerina.

It’s weird when you have MS, you start to question everything that happens in your life. What’s that tingling in my hand? Is my foot really asleep or am I just losing feeling? Today, it was “did I just drop my entire bag down the stairs at work because I’m clumsy or because I have MS?”.

Yeah, you heard that right. My entire bag. My Bluetooth headphones bounced out of their case and down two flights. There was a fork there and a pill case here. And the noise it made in the 15 story stairwell was deafening. You’d think that I had fallen down the stairs (not a far-fetched assumption). I gathered everything as quickly as possible, only one person walked in as I was crouched over in a panic trying to clean it all up. To say the least, it was very embarrassing.

As soon as I got everything gathered and made it to my destination I started thinking “wait, was that MS? Did I lose feeling in my hand and didn’t notice? Did my brain not send the right signals to my hands? Is this my future???”

The answer with all of these things is I don’t know. That’s my reality. My anxiety has been getting the best of me these past few months. I am trying to live in the moment, appreciate the life I have while I have it. It’s hard. Everything is hard. But now I am laughing every time I think about my headphones bouncing around a stairwell! It was pretty funny….

Allergies, sinus infection, or optic neuritis?

Warning: This post will not answer the above question. If it did, my life would be so much easier. Welcome to MS.

I’m one of those MSers who suffers from optic neuritis. Shocker. The science tells us that 15 – 20% of people with MS experience optic neuritis as their first symptom. I’m one of those. Blurry vision, eye pain with movement, pressure behind the eye, sensitivity to light, etc. So when I feel any pain around my eyes I freak.

This week’s dilemma has been just that; pain with eye movement from sinus pressure…I think. My previous bouts of optic neuritis have all been “sinus pain” when they started. It’s hard to tell the difference. So I roll my eyes periodically to test for pain, cover one eye to make sure I can see out of the other clearly, think about it constantly. It’s not fun.

I have told my neurologist that the last two times I had optic neuritis it felt just like a sinus infection until the eye pain and blurriness progressed. I’ve been told that there may be a correlation, but they don’t know what it is. If you Google it (the worst thing to do about these things, but what I spend a whole lot of time doing), many studies have been done to link MS with sinus infections. Still, no conclusive answers. Are we surprised? MS be like…

Maybe it’s just allergies (mine are so bad all the time it’s just like a part of my life now), maybe it’s a sinus infection, maybe it’s optic neuritis. I have no idea at this point. I keep telling myself “there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome at this point”, but I’m still wishing on every eyelash that it isn’t optic neuritis. Or a sinus infection that leads to optic neuritis. Or literally anything that a normal 23 year old wouldn’t get. Is that too much to ask?

I’ve found that this first year with MS is a whole lot of guessing. Is that tingle in my foot because I’ve been sitting for 12 hours or is it MS? Am I dizzy because I’ve had three cups of coffee and I’m still dehydrated from being wine drunk last night or is it MS? Maybe the next 10 or 20 years will be that way too, I don’t know. For now, back to worrying and rolling my eyes constantly….for medical reasons of course 😉